Are you a full partner in your marriage?
This is a tricky question. What exactly does full mean?
Surely not half!
One of the most heartbreaking things I see in my coaching is when one partner feels powerless in their marriage.
I listen as my clients explain through their tears, why they “can’t” do this or “have to ask” for that, in order to make a decision in their own life that is calling to them.
They don’t feel that their desires are valid or valued as much as their spouse’s.
Their brains give them lots of reasons for this.
“I don’t earn the money so it’s not mine to spend.”
“She’s hell to live with when she doesn’t get her way.”
“He is in charge of our finances so I have to check with him.”
“It feels selfish when there are other, more important needs.”
But hear this truth, you can’t be powerless unless you decide that you are.
Of all the decisions you can make, why make that one???
When we are afraid of making our own decisions, it’s because we are worried about managing other people’s emotions. We don’t want to upset them or we fear their reaction.
But you’re not half of a relationship. You are a full, whole, worthy, valuable individual, with your own thoughts, feelings and voice.
I’m not saying that it’s not okay to make decisions together. But it is a mistake when we don’t have the courage to ask for what we want, and value ourselves enough to make an independent decision when necessary.
Using our own brains to make our own choices doesn’t hurt our marriage, it blesses it.
Being an emotional adult and letting your spouse do the same is the most unifying thing you can do.
When you give yourself that freedom, your spouse enjoys that freedom too, without the fear of judgement or resentment.
So how do you regain your emotional independence if you feel like it’s been shut down?
By listening to your heart and making one small decision at a time.
How well do you know yourself? What do you really want?
Do you even allow yourself to imagine what’s possible for you?
What would you decide if it were your decision alone?
For many years I drove an awful mini-van. I hated it every single day
and I was angry at my husband for not buying me the car I wanted to drive.
Guess what? All that anger was completely mis-directed. I’m the one who submitted to this choice.
I’m the one who didn’t have my own back.
Years later when I learned to take back my personal power, I asked myself, “If I weren’t married, what is the first thing I would do?”
My answer, -”I’d buy myself a car I love”… and so I did.
AND I didn’t have to give up my marriage to do it.
Now I’m not suggesting that you go out today and shop for new cars,
but I am suggesting that it’s time to figure out who you are and what you want, and have the courage to share ALL of you with your spouse.
If you feel inferior because he makes the money, you are the one who isn’t seeing the value you provide in your home.
If it feels selfish, why do you believe you’re not worth investing in?
Decide today that you matter.
Your voice, your opinions, your growth… it all matters very much.
Commit to being a full partner. As you practice making independent decisions, you will be amazed by the strength and freedom you’ll gain.
Full = 100%.
“Do not disrespect your heart by hearing what it needs and giving it the opposite.”
– Nayyirah Waheed