“I JUST DON’T FEEL CONNECTED.”
I hear this quite a bit in coaching. What is it about connection that makes us feel whole and well?
Connection is defined in relationships as a link,- we are joined.
As humans, we are not meant to be solitary creatures. We are all born with different gifts that compliment each other’s gifts, and together we become better.
So many times when we feel disconnected, it’s because we are focusing on the ways in which we are different, as if this is wrong, -as if it is a problem. We tell ourselves that our differences separate us, when just the opposite is true.
Our differences can make us more, if we can shift our thinking to view it that way.
It’s important to understand that our relationship with someone else, is simply OUR thoughts about that person.
Remember when you were falling in love and there didn’t seem to be space in your brain for ANYTHING other that your new boyfriend / girlfriend? You thought about them non-stop, and they were all such good thoughts!
If you want to feel more connected, this is the best place to start. Notice how often you think about your partner. Are your thoughts loving and kind? Or is your primitive brain feeding you negative, protective thoughts, trying to keep you “safe.” Get really intentional about how often and how well you think of your spouse, this is a great first step!
Are you open to being vulnerable with your mate? Do you give him/her the benefit of the doubt?
I used to be super insecure about my body. I was always very active and fit as a college volleyball athlete, but once I had babies and stretch marks and added pounds… I felt horrible about my body and I assumed my husband did too. In fact, I would get mad at him if he told me he thought I was beautiful, because I just figured he was lying.
Choosing to believe our spouse loves us 100%… all of the time, creates so much more connection. When they come home grumpy, we don’t take it personally. We just know that they are bugged by a sentence in their brain, but FOR SURE it’s not about us. Can you see the magic in holding that belief? Can you see how much better of a partner you can be, when you show up knowing you are loved? You get to be the soft place to land. You get to offer compassion and comfort rather than walking on eggshells and letting your brain run wild about everything that is wrong between you.
If you want more connection right now, stop and think about all of the ways your spouse’s differences are the perfect balance for you. In what ways is your marriage absolutely perfect?
My husband doesn’t remember to bring items in from the car, but I do! Perfect! I don’t like to stress over bills, but he does! Perfect! I don’t love my body when I’m a little overweight.. But HE DOES! PERFECT! Believing in your partner’s love creates more love. More for you and more for him/her!
Connection is simply your thoughts about the one you love. Our brains try to tell us that our differences are a problem, but sameness is not unity. Embracing the differences will bring you satisfaction and joy. Who doesn’t want more of that???