“Divorce isn’t an option.” I’ve heard so many people say this, and I’ve even said it myself. Especially in conservative religious communities, the consequences and stigma of divorce can be hard.
But here’s the thing, divorce is always an option.
We live in America and legally, any individual who wishes to end their relationship, has the right to do so. We don’t own our partners, they always have the right to stay or to go.
When we say, “divorce isn’t an option,” in our minds we eliminate any other options for ourselves, and create a feeling of being trapped.
Just consider how we show up when we feel trapped. It makes us feel stifled, desperate, helpless. We submit to unhappy circumstances and feel powerless to create positive change.
Having the option of divorce, gives us the ability to keep intentionally choosing our marriage.
When we have the option to leave, but choose to stay, we have personal power. We determine to commit to our relationship over and over again, and we use our agency to keep trying.
I’ve heard from a few of my clients recently that they don’t feel like their spouse is choosing them. They don’t feel like they are a priority.
This feeling has NOTHING to do with their partner’s actions, and everything to do with their own thinking.
If you find yourself in this situation, I have a few suggestions for you.
First, understand that if you are still married, your spouse is still choosing you. No matter how your brain might argue the fact, their decision to stay is evidence of this.
Second, you need to take responsibility for the way that you feel. You are relying on your spouse to create your emotion (feeling chosen), instead of managing your own emotional health. As long as you are blaming your spouse for your feelings, you are playing the role of the victim.
Third, if you don’t feel “chosen,” you are likely not choosing yourself. Your focus needs to shift. Instead of zooming in on all of the reasons why you don’t feel chosen, you need to get busy creating something magical on your own. Sharpen a skill, develop a talent, get involved in service… become the one you want to choose.
When we both know that divorce is an option, yet we choose to stay, it gives a greater depth to our love.
Walking through life’s trials, the good, the bad and the ugly… and still choosing one another, is the sweetest of all joys.
I will never pretend to know what is right for you. Only you can know that for yourself.
But as long as you are both still choosing to stay, I believe it’s never too late to give your marriage a makeover.
Choosing to keep trying, come what may, builds confidence and determination. These emotions will create something MUCH different than the feeling of being stuck.
Are you ready to make your marriage amazing? I only have a few spots left in my private coaching practice. If you want one of them, don’t wait. Book your free call with me today.