I’ve been working on a project recently that has caused me to do some reflecting. I’ve been thinking back on the years when I was pretty miserable in my marriage, in hopes that I could learn more.
In doing this, I noticed how many beautiful moments I ruined for myself.
Do you do this?
Do you take what should be a really fun time, or a beautiful experience, and ruin it with your brain?
For instance, it would be our Anniversary and my husband would make plans to take me out. We’d get a sitter and head out for the night, but instead of being present, I would allow my brain to spin all kinds of story about how I was so unappreciated.
That if he really cherished me, he would have done…… -whatever my brain was thinking would have been better than what he actually did…
Sheesh! How many moments did I ruin this way?
I’d get silent and spin stories and drama in my head, until I was very detached and angry…and withholding my love.
I’d take this precious time we had, away from the kids, and spend it ruminating and sulking about what I didn’t have!
Instead of noticing all of the ways he showed me his love, and letting myself enjoy feeling loved and appreciated (and I was), I focused on all of the ways that he didn’t.
Gosh, I hate to think I did this… but I did.
Our brains love stories. And because we have over 60K negative thoughts a day, they especially love negative ones.
We use our imagination to metaphorically shoot ourselves in the foot.
Sometimes we indulge in these negative mind trips on purpose, because it feels validating and maybe even a little righteous. It helps us feel justified for feeling so rotten, because it’s all our partner’s fault, right??
After all, it couldn’t possibly be my fault I was so miserable!…
We create all kinds of story about how we’ve been wronged, to affirm with ourselves that we’re worth more.
When we boil it down, here is the truth. This kind of thinking comes from a lack of confidence and insecurity.
We want grand expressions, exotic trips, big gifts, large wedding rings, golf trips, nice cars… to prove that we are of worth.
But when we truly love ourselves, we don’t need external validation.
When we love ourselves, we use our minds to imagine the best, and we recognize all of the ways that our partner DOES love us.
In one way we are right to think we are worth more.
-Not to be valued more by others, but we ARE worth thinking better thoughts and creating better emotions for ourselves.
We ARE worth taking the time and investing in ourselves, to learn to control our out of control, imaginations.
We are worth the effort of becoming emotionally self reliant.
I hope that sharing my experience helps you.
Next time you find yourself ruining a beautiful moment in your own life, I hope you’ll think of me.
Let my story help you to make a better choice.
Allow my example of what not to do,- shift your story in a better direction.
And if you want to use your imagination, use it to imagine just how much you are loved.
THAT story is so much more closer to the truth. (And if feels MUCH better too!)