As usual, I have you on my mind and am sending you so much love and best wishes, for a beautiful celebration this week.
For many of us, this will be a week of gathering with friends and relatives, or spending extra time at home with our families.
This is always an opportunity to bond, but it can also be a painful experience as we struggle to deal with different personalities, get on each other’s nerves or feel stressed over difficult circumstances..
Domestic abuse always spikes during the holidays, and it is estimated that one in four women will experience domestic abuse of one form or another in their lifetime.
I listened this week as a potential client told me through her tears, of the horrible things her spouse says to her, especially when he’s been drinking. This has been going on for several years and she feels completely depleted.
This is a story I’ve heard many times, and it breaks my heart to hear it. I’m always sorry for their situation of course, but the thing that saddens me most, is that they have allowed this to happen for so long.
How can these beautiful women tolerate abuse? I want so badly to show them their brilliance, their worthiness, -their personal power.
A common trait of women who do not set proper boundaries, is that they are often people pleasers. They believe they are being more loving, by tolerating and excusing their partner’s bad behavior.
This couldn’t be more wrong.
Instead of feeling love, they actually feel resentment, anger, and ultimately, shame, because they know they aren’t honoring their inner being.
Deep down they know that they should demand better, -and sometimes they do,- but don’t know how to do it properly, so they don’t achieve the results they want.
Most however, just suffer in silence and then blame their spouse for making them miserable.
They make themselves the victim, and victims have no power.
Creating and enforcing healthy boundaries is the key to experiencing more love and also creating a much healthier environment.
So what does a healthy boundary look like?
Proper boundaries are always made from a place of love.
Love for yourself AND love for your partner.
It is never a threat: “If you do_______, I will do ______ to punish you.”
It is never an ultimatum: “You better stop doing that or I will_________.”
Rather, a healthy boundary is all about how YOU will respond, -what YOU will do when the situation occurs.
We don’t ask the other person to change, it’s not our job to change them. It’s simply letting them know that:
“When________ happens, this is what I will do________. In order to protect my emotional health.
For example, the friend I spoke of earlier might say,
“When you call me names, I will leave until you are able to speak kindly.”
“If you plan to drink, you can and that’s your choice, but I will choose to be somewhere else.”
You show love to yourself by removing yourself from an abusive or unacceptable situation, AND you show love for your partner by allowing him to make his own decisions, and not being the target of his aggression (which he will likely regret later).
When we set our boundaries and enforce them 100% of the time, we gain control.
We determine the experience we are going to have, so that we can still feel love and respect for ourselves and continue to love our partner.
If this is a struggle for you, please hear me when I say, “You can do this!”
You don’t have to keep living destructive patterns year after year, and you have it within you to make the changes you want NOW.
If you need help, I’m here for you.
I will take you by the hand and show you the way.
My heart is full, God is so good.
Because of our Savior, we can keep learning, growing and forgiving, and we can become all that we are meant to be.
Wishing you all much peace and joy.😇