Have you ever wondered how or when, everything you said to your spouse, became the wrong thing? It was taken the wrong way?
Or maybe you’ve built an enormous pile of evidence that whatever your spouse says to you, is meant as a dig or criticism?
Perhaps you wonder, “When did we become sparring partners?”
Today we’re going to talk about the concept of holding space. It is a skill that does not come naturally.
When our partner is upset and spills their emotion into our space, our knee-jerk reaction is to join in with a hot response in the form of judgement and an opinionated comment, or resentful withdrawal.
It’s easy to forget our true nature of being kind, and we become accustomed to assuming the worst in our partner.
Think back to when you were planning to get married. How did you imagine it would be? How did you see yourself behaving in your relationship?
Now, ask yourself, “How have I betrayed MYSELF in not living that higher version I see that I can be?”
And, “How am I not holding integrity with who I want to be?”
Learning to hold space is an important step in becoming that higher and best self.
Holding space is giving breathing room to both ourself and our partner.
It’s allowing our partner to think and feel whatever they want, without any judgement from us.
AND allowing ourselves to take the time we need to process our own emotions, work through our feelings, without applying pressure to fix things in the moment.
It’s getting curious and asking the questions to help us understand more fully, and offering space and grace, rather than expectations.
Think about it. If this is something we want from our partner, (and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t,) it is exactly the thing we need to GIVE.
Holding space is giving time and releasing our own need for an immediate response or interaction.
Holding space is knowing that our partner’s brain is offering them many thoughts that are creating their emotions, and allowing them the space and grace to manage that without our interference.
It requires us to control the judge that lives in our lower brains, to tape up her mouth and send her to the back of the bus.
We do this by becoming aware of our thoughts and removing our agenda for our partner.
It’s understanding that not everything is always about us.
Our spouse has a life outside of our relationship and just like we do, and their experience will always be 50/50.
When we can hold space, we are more curious and focused on trying to understand our partner’s model and what’s going on for them, and stop thinking about how it affects us.
I’m giving you lots to think about today, but I have one more question for you that deserves a lot of thought.
Ask yourself, “How am I getting in my own way?”
Think about the ways in which you are holding your marriage back, and what would happen if you could just let that one thinggo?
This is a tough process to go through on your own.
I’m here to help you, my friend, work with me.