The Holidays are coming and for most of us, it’s a beautiful time of year. It means family gatherings, parties, events, shopping, delicious food, and loads of memory making.
But for many of us, those gatherings, events, shopping and parties, mean pressure, stress and family drama.
As your coach, I want to be here for you and help you to make your 2020 holidays the best you’ve ever experienced.
So, over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing tips and tools to help you navigate the holidays with peace and love, and create the memories you want, -not the ones you are hoping to avoid!
Let’s start today by talking about the way that you see yourself.
As you think of the holidays, do you feel pressure to create the perfect experience for everyone else?
Are you tired of pretending to be something for other people, when you’re not?
I have many clients who have expressed the need for having things “just so,” -for creating the illusion of being totally competent, successful and put together.
It’s easy to understand why.
It feels so validating to be admired by other people, especially the ones we look up to. Our brains LOVE those thoughts of inclusion and acceptance.
But the tightrope of perfectionism that we try to walk and balance on, is stretched across a lake of insecurity.
The reason we are on the tightrope in the first place is because we don’t believe our best is good enough.
We are afraid that people will see our flaws and insufficiency, so we place ourselves in the very uncomfortable position of trying to create the illusion of being more perfect than we are.
When you’re not “put together,” what do you make it mean about yourself? It’s important to understand where (and who) the pressure is coming from.
I used to make it mean all kinds of things, but the most painful thought I held, was that I wasn’t good enough. That if I was flawed, I wasn’t worthy of being loved. OUCH!
It made sense in my head though, because how could someone else possibly love me, when I didn’t love myself?? I didn’t blame them!
I was so wrong.
I am so lovable. Just as I am. And so are you.
Our lower brains love inclusion, so they are constantly on the lookout for ways that we don’t measure up. They work hard to find ways that we need to improve so that we will be more acceptable to the crowd.
“Julie is a better decorator than me, our house looks so shabby compared to hers!”
“Shanna is such a good cook, I wish I had that skill.”
“Marci’s kids always look so cute, I wish I was that kind of mom!”
“Keri always knows the best gifts to buy, I always seem to mess it up.”
“Amber is so skinny, I need to stop eating!”
“Mindy plans the best parties, I wish I were more creative!
“Nicole’s family pics are always amazing, wish we looked that good on our Christmas card!”
This kind of thinking, this constant comparison, robs us of loving and appreciating what is special and unique about ourselves and our families.
I want to encourage you to step gently off of the tightrope and safely onto the shore.
You can do this by shifting your focus.
🍁First, direct your brain to notice and appreciate all of the things that are wonderful about you. You have gifts, what are they?? Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel gratitude for them. What if the only thing your family wants from you… is you? Your love, your smile, your attention?
🍁Second, ask yourself what you really want. Do you want things to look perfect, or do you want to connect, build relationships, laugh and feel more relaxed? What is the result that you want to create? Once you zone in on those goals, you will know what to do to make them happen.
🍁Third, embrace your lack of perfection. You are human and human beings aren’t perfect, EVER. Say it out loud, “I’m human and I’m not meant to be perfect!” Welcome to humanity my friend! Do you feel the relief that comes from acknowledging that fact? Now give yourself a big hug and say, “Your best is enough.” Feel it and believe it.
🍁Fourth, give everyone else a break too! Perfectionists often put as much pressure on their families as they do on themselves. Drop your big expectations and allow yourself to love your people exactly as they are. Be present with them and look for things that you love about them.
It’s so much easier to be around other people when we don’t feel like we’re being judged and measured. Your family feels the same way.
Alright my friends, we’re off to a good start! See you next week with another helpful tip! Happy November!