Happy Fourth of July!
What a gift our freedom is!
As I’ve been contemplating our independence and thinking about the incredible sacrifices that our forefathers were willing to make, in order to have their freedom, I’m filled with gratitude.
We LOVE our agency. As Americans, It is our divine birthright and most valued gift.
Knowing how intrinsic this need is, helps me to understand why so very many relationships struggle.
The basic right of being an individual, owning ourselves and deciding our own path, preferences, and life choices, is a deep-seated need we strive to fill.
When we lose our autonomy in a relationship, the desire to leave and break free grows strong.
Many of my clients describe this as feeling “stuck.”
They feel that they have lost their ability to choose the life they want to live.
They feel held back or controlled in one way or another, by their partner. And because of their vows, and the family they’ve created, they feel powerless to change.
No wonder they’re unhappy!
Any time we believe that someone else has control over our lives and our emotional health, we suffer.
But listen when I say this,- with so much love- WE ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.
It may be true that your partner insists on getting their way, but allowing them to rule over you, is consenting to this pattern.
The role we play in our relationship is NOT determined by our partner.
If we go along with it, it is OUR CHOICE to do so.
“But Jane!” you might say, “Why would anyone ever choose that?”
For many of us, we allow our partner to dominate, in an attempt to “keep the peace.”
We become the martyr or the righteous one,- who sacrifices ourselves, in order to spare the rest of the family.
But the truth is, this is an unhealthy choice for everyone involved.
- The dominant spouse may get their way, but will never feel truly
connected to us because we withdraw emotionally.
- We’re not fooling the kids,- they recognize the tension, the silence,
and the unhappy state of our marriage…. and this is NOT helpful at
all, because we are modeling a very unhealthy dynamic that they are
likely to repeat in their own relationships.
- And WE simmer in anger and resentment, and aren’t able to enjoy
any form of trusting companionship and intimacy with our spouse.
So what do we do?
We’ve got to examine our role and take responsibility for the choice we’ve made to play this role.
It doesn’t matter which side of the coin we are on, if we don’t see both ourself and our spouse as a FULL and EQUAL PARTNER, we have work to do to correct it.
This takes courage and confidence and you will feel some discomfort.
But that discomfort isn’t any worse than what you are already experiencing, so isn’t it worth it to take action?
If you feel that little twinge as you read these words, you know this is the next right step for you.
Don’t shrink away from the challenge.
You are stronger than you know, and I PROMISE you have it in you to do this.
You don’t need a divorce to gain your freedom, you simply need to choose it and then take the steps to make it happen.
If this feels overwhelming, I understand.
I’ve been there and done that! So please reach out to me and get the help you need.