man at beach at sunset

The Sneaky Little Habit That Can Kill Your Relationship

Last Friday I went to my back doctor for an epidural.  I have a bulging disc in my lower back and the one thing that really helps is an epidural.  In fact, it’s been a year since I had the last one, but rather than paying attention to the warning signs, I waited a little too long this time and suffered the consequences!

I really am fine now, but if I had taken care of it before it got bad, I sure would have enjoyed my vacation more!  Instead however, I found myself sitting at the beach in pain.

Why oh why do we wait?

Why don’t we take action when things begin to feel strained?

Procrastination isn’t a character flaw, it’s simply a bad habit.  It’s our brain’s coping mechanism for avoiding something that might be uncomfortable.

Procrastination is our brain’s default mode because it uses far more energy than any other organ in our body (over 20%!); so it wants to avoid extra effort in the strongest way.

Not only do our brains want to conserve energy, but there are two other struggles here.  

First. is the fear of the unknown.  We want to avoid the possible discomfort of what might happen, if and when we address it.  

Second, we lack structure or planning. We just react to whatever comes our way, instead of having a plan to act intentionally. 

When we procrastinate addressing concerns in our relationships, the small snowball that starts rolling can become an avalanche.  

Problems that could have easily been solved, escalate to giant walls of anger and resentment.. 

So, how do we learn from this self-inflicted pain and create a new strategy? 

The number one thing is to take notice of those yellow warning signs when they begin to pop up. 

They might look a little like this.

     Criticizing and finding fault.

     Becoming annoyed by things we used to find endearing.

     Stop taking time to play or have fun together.

     Forgetting to look for things we admire.

     Focusing on any or everything else that is asking for our attention.

     Spending more time on our phones than engaging with each other.

     Stop touching, kissing, holding hands.

     Blaming each other for our unhappiness.

    Wondering if we’ve made a mistake or if life might be better with

    someone else.

It’s normal to experience different seasons in our relationships.  

Cycles and change are a part of life.  There’s no need to panic if you aren’t feeling the same infatuation you felt when you met.  Infatuation isn’t the endgame.

Developing that deep love, trust, friendship, and respect, takes years of experience together. It takes loads of work and learning to adjust our sails with the change in the wind.

In order to create an amazing marriage, we have to treat it like our most prized possession. 

How do we care for those things that we love?

We feed them, nurture them and give them lots of TLC. 

Consider your own relationship. What have you procrastinated doing?

Have you delayed learning to express yourself and stopped attempting to communicate?

Have you found excuses to use your time in other ways rather than building connection?

Perhaps you are choosing not to forgive and harboring judgement, -and then hating yourself for it too.

Procrastination is simply a form of buffering.  

It provides easy relief to our brains, but the delay compounds the problem.  Then, when we realize that the problem has grown, our brains beg us to ignore it and we repeat the cycle.

If this is a pattern for you, don’t do as I did, and wait until it’s too late and you find yourself in screaming pain.

We have to use our higher brain to interrupt the cycle. We have to create the thinking that will change the pattern.

I almost waited too long in my own marriage.  Thank heaven I wasn’t too late.

Just last night as my husband and I were lying in bed, he held my hand and said, “Babe, I really like you.”  –Can I just tell you how happy I felt?  Being liked AND loved and feeling the same for him, is simply the best.

Love seems implied in marriage.  No matter how bad things get, I always hear from my clients that they do love their spouse…. But they don’t really like them.

How I remember how hard those years were when we didn’t like each other. Ugh!!

If this sounds like you, and you want to like your spouse again,  I can help. 

Don’t let your brain convince you to wait.  

Schedule a free call with me,- do it now, and let’s get your relationship back on track.  

I deeply want that for you.🤗